I wish "Mom guilt" never existed...

"Raise your hand if you dislike Monday mornings? After such a busy weekend, there is no time to recover. Monday morning was such an emotional one. Of course I press the snooze button too many times, its 7:30am and I have 15 minutes. Fifteen minutes to get my son dressed, myself dressed, breakfast for Lennon, making sure he actually eats it, find clean clothes for him and I, then its a race to drop him off. For the first time, since he was in preschool last year, he never cried or hugged on to me. When I dropped him off he just hugged onto me, not letting me go. His eyes started to tear up and his arms wrapped around my hips. I just said "Lennon what's wrong?" In that moment, I just felt this sadness. My little four year old that has been so happy and independent, still needs me. Eventually it took two teachers to take his hand to play. I just couldn't help but leave crying all the way to work, and I couldn't stop when I was at work. I sat at my desk and couldn't help but tear up thinking about my son if he was okay. I questioned everything."

I wrote that last June in 2017 when I took Lennon to his new school where they had a summer care program while I was working 40 hours a week and 8 hours a day. That was how long Lennon stayed there most days. Six months flew by and so much has changed and has happened. I let a job consumed every ounce of me that it literally threw it all back at my face, I let the loss of my grandmother trigger suppressed emotions and anxiety I had from my job. For THE LONGEST time, I debated on posting anything because I don't have it all together, I'm not the perfect Instagram with beautiful photos of their career and family although I am definitely inspired by those women, I'm sure it's not easy. I commend all working moms I also commend stay at home moms, both are not easy. Today I wanted to continue this blog. This started off as a food blog because I love to cook for my little family which I still do and maybe you'll see that in the future.

If you are looking for the perfect photographed pictures done by my husband/photographer, just kidding my husband is not one, this blog is not it. My husband does make some mean enchiladas and Indian food :) This blog will be filled with photos that are unedited from our iPhone cameras. This blog is my reflection of my life, the good and the bad. This blog is for every mother that wakes up in a struggle with herself looking for a friend, or guidance. No judgement and advice here. Just a mother that lives in her thoughts about how to start over again with a growing family. I have had so many questions and I am searching for not the right or correct answers but what feels right FOR ME. I want to take that power back in myself. I am done feeling guilty, or powerless. This post is me slowly letting my walls down again and letting go. I hope you feel that. 

xo Savina


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